Since starting Drivers Ed, I have realized a few things.
1) I need to become more patient. There are three teenage boys, and one is very-um, well, obnoxious. He likes to just randomly stand up and dance in class, tell people what to do and try to be funny. My teacher is chill and lets us have fun, but he pushes the limits. Yesterday she told him that if she didn’t calm down that she would have to ask him to leave the course. This still didn’t really calm him down. I can tell that he is really self conscious and everything and that he acts this way so people will laugh and like him. But through all this, I tend to get frustrated really easily. I sit in front of him in class and he often kicks my back and when I turn around he’ll be like ‘turn around! Turn around!” and I after him saying that to me I finally said ‘Stop telling me what to do!!!” And when I pull out my phone to check the time he’s telling me to put it away because he thinks it’s funny. Gr. I need more patience because I get annoyed too easily.
2) That being said, I am even more thankful for being home schooled! There is no way I could learn in that environment! Things need to be quiet and I control my environment at home when I’m doing school. I control the distraction and noise level. I can’t concentrate when they’re talking and laughing and being loud! And I cannot take all the cursing and vulgar language/crude joking. Just reminds me of the verse I memorized for this month- “let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.”
3) Don’t admit that you’re OCD in class. My teacher was writing the Unit # and what the unit was called on the dry erase board as she always does at the beginning of class. This remains on the board the entire three hours. Well she wrote out the title “Environmental conditions that effect safe vehicle control” or something to that affect. Well she forgot to dot the “I” in “vehicle” and I immediately noticed. I waited for her to walk away from the board, so I was sure she had forgotten by then and did not plan to dot that I. Before she started teaching I spoke up saying, “Mrs. Juanita, I am really sorry, but you forgot to dot the ‘I’ in ‘vehicle’ and I will not be able to focus on the lesson if it remains undotted. I’m really sorry, it’s just my OCD.” She was like “I totally understand.” then she fixed it and made sure the T’s and I’s were all crossed and dotted. But then of course the other people in my class poked fun at me for it the whole night.
4) It’s a good thing I’m not sensitive. These people are harsh! There is another home schooled girl in my class-she doesn’t talk-ever, and she looks at the floor, NEVER making eye contact with you, and she sits in the corner back of the class. The boys and like “she needs to talk more, stop being so shy” and stuff like that. I know that it makes her uncomfortable. We did two days of talking about drugs and alcohol and it came out that I have never drank before and I am the only one-well, the home schooled girl didn’t talk at all, so no one knows if she has or not. Well then I got the title “Miss Goody Two Shoes” that stuck. After yesterday’s OCD deal, the kids were like “make sure you dot the I’s and cross the T’s Mrs. Juanita otherwise Miss OCD Goody Two Shoes will have a mental break down!” Honestly, I don’t really care. It annoys the heck outta me, but does not really offend me. I’m proud that I’ve never drank and I can’t help that I have OCD. I’m working on controlling that, but it’s a process. Being home schooled though, people don’t typically make fun of me in seriousness. My friends love me and I expect others to respect other people’s feeling and not say everything they think. These kids though are quite mean to people!
5) Listening to this song on the way home from drivers ed reminded me why I’m in this class:
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now it’s where I’ve been
-That’s where most people in my class are. They aren’t happy though. It’s so easy to get sucked in. Already I’m noticing a little bit of their habits trying to invade my life. I refuse to let them, but it would be oh so easy. I don’t want middle ground. Well actually, I really do. I want the “easy way out” and the safe and sound ground. But really, that’s not what it is. I want to NOT want that!
‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
-The ONLY reason that I can NOT want that place of complacency is because of His love. His love that tells me why I am going against the crowd and why I’m not afraid to talk about my faith and why I’m not afraid to love them like He loves me. How kind of God!
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
-Honestly, it is a brave and hard thing to go against the status quo. It would be so incredibly easy for me to pretend like I’m not home schooled (which of course they make fun of and ask me how I have friends, if I have friends, etc) or pretend like I’m not one of 7 kids (which of course makes me a “freak”) and even to pretend like I’m not a Christian. There are nine people in my class and as far as I know, I’m the only Christian. This sets me apart and makes me different. It’s a scary thing, it really is. But I really feel that all this is preparing me for the future and that God is humbling me and teaching me so much through this-and I am so grateful for that. And I know that God wants me to let go of that fear that wants to tie me down and hold me back from proclaiming the good news that I know. I know that God wants me to be brave and trade in fear for love and compassion. The way I have been-being complacent with where I am and who I come in contact with and the lack of faith and the fear and all-that’s no longer good enough! God wants me to be brave!
I am small
And I speak when I’m spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I’m ready to jump
Even ready to fall…
-It is easy to just compromise and just say “well, I’m not going to DENY my faith, but during our break in drivers ed I’ll bring school or a book and read instead of talking to the other classmates.” That is speaking when I’m spoken to. And I tried that. Many might say that I didn’t REALLY do anything wrong, but in James 4:17 it says “so whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” I knew the right thing was to talk to these people-to take a risk and let people talk to me and ask questions. I wanted them to know that Christians aren’t “freaks” and just to get to know me. I want to be ready to jump and prepared to fall if that’s what jumping brings. It IS a risk, saying Jesus’ name.
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?
-I want to break that vow I made of compromising! I want to be brave and speak up in the name of Jesus! I don’t want to be selfish and keep my thoughts and hope and faith to myself-I want to share it with those around me.
I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I’m gone
-I guess that this kinda brings two thoughts to mind. First, I have to take those “small leaps of faith” and as I start doing that, I will begin to get the faith and courage to take those huge leaps-to start those conversations, etc. That is like “if I make a little flame, it will grow into a fire.” But the other thought I have is that I want to start that flame or rain drop in their lives. I might not see the storm in their lives or the fire, but I just hope that I could start a flame and that others can feed that fire and allow them to one day have a full blown fire of faith and hope in Christ.
Okay, those are my thoughts.
I’m working at my sisters work tomorrow! I’m excited. She works at a private school that is having a teachers conference all day and Emily has school, so she can’t do it. I got the job for the day 🙂 8-3 and I’ll get paid well! I’m excited. And I get to spend the night where she lives-that’s a first. Anyway, it’s exciting for me. I have to miss Chem class though and that bums me out, haha.
Hope you have a blessed day.