You know, it’s kinda weird what I’ve been thinking about.
I’ve been thinking about black and white. I’ve been thinking about how there IS a gray area. In the Christian community we like to see things black and white typically-truth and lies, good and bad, lies and honesty, Evil and righteousness, humility and pride.
I’m all for that, I really am. I see things black and white. But, I think that can also lead to a bad tendency. Not for everyone, but for me. As far as my faith goes, I’m not sure if this has any “bad side affects” to it, because I am just starting to think about it. With OCD, I have trouble seeing things in between black and white. Things are either A or B, 1 or 2. There IS no middle ground. This plays out especially with controlling and passiveness. I often feel that I have two options- Control or be controlled. This is not a good habit. I’m learning that there IS a middle ground. I can suggest and not demand. I can ask and not command. This concept seems really simple, I realize that. But for me personally, it’s a big milestone that I can understand this. And yet I still don’t fully understand. I like to see things straight up-no options. I don’t like to make decisions-I like things to be straight cut. When there is middle ground I tend to freak. I’m seeing that I can not have to control or be controlled. There is the option of assertive-making my will known but not forcing other to act upon it.
I’m learning that I don’t like communication-especially verbal communication. I’m learning not to manipulate-which is my typical form of controlling. These are all things that take time and are very long learning proccesses. But it’s okay. It will take time and I’m okay with that.
I’m just thankful that I have a faithful friend who was kind enough to help me see these things, help me see what the application of this would look like, talk them out, and pray that I will start to learn these skills.
Hopefully as I gain more insight on the topic I can share that, but it may take time. I’m learning that there are more than two options. This scares me a little bit, but I know that I have to conquer that fear. I know that God knows the difference between black and white and that possible gray area. I know that He can teach me what the looks like also. I know that God knows all things. I am realizing that I don’t.