So recently life has been getting. . .well, tricky. I’m slipping back into bad old habits and making poor choices. As much as people plead with me to not do this or to do that, I can’t seem to push my stubborness away! I’m frustrated that I’m not doing what I know I need. This may be confusing, but here’s how it is: Half of me knows what I want. Half of me knows what I need. Luckily, the half that knows what I need can tell people “hey, I need someone to stand up to me, I need someone to tell me what to do, NOT TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT.” The half of me that knows what I want hates this, but I know it’s good for my life. I’m so thankful that I have people in my life who are willing to do that and who listen to what I need and disregard what I want, no matter how badly I want it. I know I’m not going the right way right now, or maybe not even facing the right direction, but luckily I have people in my life who are watching out for me and building a wall-they will not let me walk backwards, as hard as I might try and as much as I might beg and reason.
I came across this older song last night, and it just sums up right now perfectly.
Listen? I think yes.
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
[( This is how it seems. I’m feeling like I’m on a treadmill or hamster wheel running as fast as I can. If I stop, I will fall off. But even though I’m running so fast and so hard, I’m going no where. It’s frustrating because I’m not going anywhere, but if I stop, I know that I’ll fall and I don’t want that, i really dont.)]
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she’s making
Might be taking her to who she’ll be
[(Right now, it seems like everything is just going so fast. License, job, school, graduation, SAT’s, college. Where did my life go? I’m not sure if this is where I should be-or want to be. I’m confused. My dreams and plans are too far away-am I making the right choices to pursue those dreams further? I’m not sure. But maybe if I take the steps I KNOW I should take, just then maybe I’ll start heading in the right direction. And I better watch it because every step I take takes and makes me into who I will be forever. Scary? Yes. Motivating? Also yes.])
And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I’m supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here
[( Uh, so I’m not here…yet)]
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
[( So I’m feeling like this right now. I’m returning to my old habits-just like it talks about in Proverbs. It’s just little steps, little compromises…and then they lead me here. So what now? I feel like if I stop these things, I wont be me anymore? It’s complicated. My thought process is a little off, I know. I just feel that the way I am defines me, yet I know that’s a lie. So I’m just trying to break free, and see that I can still be me? I’m afraid of being free-what will happen? How will I feel? What will I do with that freedom?])
There’s a way she knows is right
She can’t feel the things she knows
And so each step she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be
[( Yep. I know which way is right, but I’m scared to take that step…so if I can take the steps in the right way, it will be a step of faith. But I know that choices, whether bad/good, will affect my life. They will make me who I am-whether that is a good or bad thing. Sobering thought.])
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can’t see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she’s always been.
[( This will come. I will see the light. But right now, it’s dark. I only know it’s dark because I have seen light. I’m in the shadows, but there are only shadows because there is sun ultimately. And the sun will change places, then the shadows will be gone. But until then, I have choices to make. And one day, I will be the person I am slowly becoming …if that makes sense.])