I keep begging God to meet my needs. I don’t have my journal right now, but I wish I did so I could remember exactly what it was that I was praying to God. I was frustrated. I keep asking God, “please, meet me right here. Right now. Please meet me in my physical ailments. Please meet me in my physical pain. Please meet me in my insecurities. Please meet me in my emotional pain. Please meet me in my confusion…” I went on and on. Eventually I got to the point where I realized that I did not believe that God was listening. I didn’t believe that He was listening or answering my prayers. He didn’t seem to be meeting me where I was. I was upset and doubting God’s character of love, patience (I thought I had pushed Him over the edge-ha!), and faithfulness. It was then that He whispered softly, “I have met your greatest need. I gave you salvation. you didn’t get on your knees and beg for it like you are begging me now. I gave it to you, as a free gift. How could you doubt that I wouldn’t meet you each day in your trials that feel like I am putting you through hell? Think, Maggie.” and that’s just what I did. I realized that I was begging because I felt like I had to-ha! I was frustrated because I didn’t think He was treating me fairly-ha! I was getting mad because I didn’t think He was “meeting me right when I was.” I was not specific with myself. I had and still have no idea what I meant by “meet me where I am.” I was getting mad over nothing-literally-ha! And I doubted that He would keep true to who He is, because I felt alone-Ha!
God met my greatest need. He sent His Son to die in my place, for my sin-for the times I doubt Him. He cares for the birds, things we kill and do not care about. He cares for the lilies. And yet I believed that He would not care for me? What an awful thought.
Sometimes, I am just too much for myself. I have such a twisted perspective of God. One day, I will see clearly. I yearn for that day.