OnlyGrace

Who am I trying to impress? February 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — beyondtheoutside @ 10:19 AM

just something i”ve been thinking about lately…

I’m trying to figure out who i’m trying to impress. I really think it’s myself. lately a LOT of people have said “why do you do that to yourself” after hearing my answer to the oh-so-often-asked question “what do you do?” Hearing about my school and work life, they always answer “um, why do you do that to yourself?” They mean to ask why I am taking 6 classes when most students take 5. They’re asking why I work 4 days a week, when I probably don’t neeed to. They’re wondering why I babysit on the side when I hardly have time for homework. They want to know why I’m sacrificing a social life for a scholarly life. This is supposed to be the “time of my life” or whatever. I know that this is a really unique time in my life that I’ll never get back. I feel like I work so hard just to prove something to myself. Maybe to prove that I am smart. School will not beat me. Not to mention, i’ve usually had to work hard for things I want–i’m used to that and I’m so glad. I would never ever want to just get what I want. So like, I wanted the iPhone for Verizon. I worked hard and made a “fund” for that and then was able to get it. I really wanted/needed a winter coat so I’m not always trying to wear as many layers as possible to keep warm. I worked hard and I got it. I’m glad my parents or grandparents or whatever didn’t just give me things I want. I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t learn to work for things. But I don’t just work for material things, but a lot of stuff. I feel like I have to work for respect from other students and teachers, coworkers, etc. I have to work to prove that I’m not too super stuck up. I have to work hard to get good grades. A grades don’t come naturally to me, as much as I wish they would.

Okay, whoa. I got off topic. I just have been thinking that I wish I’d stop working so hard to prove something to myself. I know what I’m capable of and I don’t know why I try so hard to keep that up in my mind. I haven’t really failed anything too huge before, so I don’t know why I expect that of myself. Others expect me to fail because I often have so much on my plate, but oh well. I don’t really care. Mostly I do things to show myself I can. While that’s a little healthy maybe, I should probably take it down a notch or two or three or ten. I’m not sure how to do that, but I think it’s pretty important. I don’t think that means that I have to stop working so much, taking so many classes, etc. But I should evaluate my reasons and such instead of working so hard in vain. Am I trying to graduate early? Nope. Am I trying to be better than other students? Ha, no. Am I trying to have a 4.0? Nope, already ruined that for myself. Then what AM I trying to do? Your guess is as good as mine. I guess I just want to do well. Partially I just like being busy and any other lifestyle just wouldn’t suit me well, I don’t think. Even this morning is a good example. I forgot that I would have all morning until 1pm to do whatever needed to be done. But, since I didn’t take this time into account, I did all my homework this weekend. I got up, did some school reading and then some for-fun reading then I showered and went to breakfast with my friends. Now what? I got back at like 9:45 and now I have like 3 hours to kill. What do I do with this time? Free time? I don’t know what that is. So I’m blogging then I’ll probably find some assignment to get ahead on for the next few hours. Anyway, it’s just frustrating to have free time. So, keeping busy is ideal for me.

Anyway, I should go do…something haha. That was probably the most crazy/inconsistent/disorganized blog post ever. Sorry, reader.

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